5 Ways to Eliminate Defensive Communication

Effective business communication requires clarity, organization and good delivery skills. But none of those things will make a bit of difference if your listener is on the defensive. When someone feels attacked – whether they are actually being attacked or not – their energy and thought processes go into overdrive focusing on how to respond to and deflect the perceived attack. Worse, people who are feeling defensive tend to misunderstand and distort what they hear. They then react defensively, which -- particularly in a group situation, like a meeting -- tends to elicit defensive behavior from others in the group as well.

So how do you keep people open and interested in what you are saying, instead of feeling as though they have to defend themselves? Of course, much depends on the individual or individuals you are communicating with – some people are simply more likely to perceive a comment that was meant neutrally as an attack or criticism, and certainly, we all have our bad days. But by becoming aware of triggers for defensive reactions as well as ways of reducing these reactions, we can defuse situations before they get out of hand, and keep our communications open and clear. Here are 5 tips that will help you keep defensive reactions to your communications at a minimum:

Describe, don’t evaluate. Speech that is evaluative or judging is more likely to evoke a defensive reaction. It can be difficult to avoid this, especially in business, where evaluation and judgment are often essential to the decision-making process. But by using descriptive speech whenever possible, we can minimize defensive reactions. Descriptive speech requests information, expresses perceptions, or describes events or processes. It does not imply fault or request the listener to change. For instance, instead of saying; “Mary, you seem to be having trouble keeping your department’s sales figures where they need to be”, try “Mary, I see the department sales are down for the quarter – would you give me your thoughts on what the reasons might be for that decline?”

Keep the focus on the problem, not the person. If you define the issue as a problem in need of a collaborative solution, people will usually engage with you in the process, instead of reacting defensively. If you try to control and direct the situation, you will find your listeners becoming more defensive. Attempting to control and direct a situation in which others are involved implies a perception that the others are inadequate and unable to contribute to a solution. For instance, instead of telling Mary what she needs to do to raise her department sales, ask her for her ideas, and request feedback from her on your ideas. She’ll not only hear you better, she’ll be more likely to implement the solution attentively and carefully if she feels it is at least partly her solution.

Be clear about your motivation. Nothing raises defensive reactions more predictably than the perception that one is being manipulated, either through psychological techniques, such as feigning emotion or interest, or through withholding information. If you are perceived as straightforward, honest and spontaneous, as opposed to playing out pre-conceived strategies designed to manipulate people into doing what you want, you will overcome defensive barriers and find yourself with allies instead of opponents.

Empathize. The ability to understand another’s position and communicate that understanding goes a long way towards reducing defensiveness. Communicate empathy and respect by listening and responding appropriately, but don’t approach this as a “technique”, or it will seem – and be – fake, and you will be perceived as a manipulator. For instance, constantly saying “sounds like you are frustrated” to someone can end up really frustrating them, and can seem condescending or manipulative instead of empathetic.

Don’t be so certain! The perception of someone as a know-it-all who requires no input from others, who already has all the answers and is there to teach, not learn, almost always elicits defensive behavior. Be provisional in your communications instead of dogmatic. Make it clear that you are willing to investigate alternate strategies and listen to other ideas. Involve your listener in the process – don’t dictate to them.

You can also use these 5 tips to help evaluate your own defensive reactions. When you notice yourself reacting defensively, see if you can identify what the other person said, or how they said it, that made you feel defensive. This will help you defuse your own reactions, improve your ability to empathize, and give you more insight into how to refine your own communications so that others want to work with you, not against you.

Present with Confidence: Business communication is about conveying information to your listener and inspiring them to take action. Call us now to find out how we can help your people hone and polish their communication skills and project the confidence and credibility that bring results.

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